"Is it Chance or Divine Will?"

As the summer slowly passes, I am trying my best to enjoy the relaxation and not dwell too much on the fact that I don't have a job or an apartment yet. In the meantime, Chad and I are spending time with family and friends. Today, we just had each other which was a lot of fun!

This past weekend we took a trip to Chad's parent's house in rural Jacksonville, Alabama. I love going there. His family is great. The only thing that I don't like is attending their church.

Both of Chad's parents are heavily involved and have been members there for over 20 years. They are very conservative but are surprisingly fairly accepting of ideologies that are different from theirs. There are times when I bite my tongue out of respect, but other times it seems to flow uncontrollably. Chad's dad in particular seems to graciously put up with my comments. We are very alike, and it seems that we have a special connection. Chad says that his dad confides in me things that he would never tell anyone else, and I really appreciate that.

But this Sunday really got me thinking. Chad's uncle was asked to speak for the Sunday sermon because they are currently without a pastor. (That's another story.) The family is from Alabama and were share croppers. As you can imagine, they are the typical southern rednecks that are proud of their upbringin' and tend to say words that most of us in the US have never heard before. I say this not to make fun, but because they are proud of who they are. For instance, when Chad's dad is outside the Alabama state line he always makes a point to tell others that he is from Alabama.

So anyway, Sunday was interesting. The sermon would be titled, "Standin' in the Pea Patch" if it had been officially titled. (I call it that because he said the phrase over and over again.) It was about Christians uniting together to form a bond and a support system for each other by praying to God and channeling his power for their needs. I thought the idea was somewhat good. I liked the idea of coming together regardless of denomination, race, or any other kind of divisive criteria, but I had a problem with the "God power" thing. The speaker's premise was that miraculous things happen when Christians come together, stand for what is right, and pray. He gave several examples of instances where someone was dying, or sick and Christians united to pray and ask God for the healing. The speaker believed that if our hearts were right and if we prayed hard enough that healing would take place. He gave an example of a baby that had been ill and how the church asked the community to pray for this child by advertising on the church sign. Someone who had taken a picture of the sign developed the print and noticed, what seemed to be, and angel sitting on top of the sign. It was not long and the baby recovered from its illnesses. This speaker believed that those Christians in that community that "stood in the pea patch" channeled God power to bring healing upon this baby.

I am bothered by that.

Both mine and Chad's parents lost a baby. Just last month a friend of ours lost their baby after it had suffered four months from a heart defect.

Did we not pray hard enough?

Did we not have enough faith?

Were "God's people" not properly situated in "the pea patch"?

I don't have the answers for life's horrible events. But I do that some pea patch analogy is not the answer. I am perfectly at peace not knowing the answer to those types of questions. I would prefer NOT to view God and my life as a supernatural battle where I am a "prayer warrior" for the good of those in the world around me. I don't think that God expects that of me. That is way too much pressure!

To me it seems that seeing an angel on top of a church sign is what people feel that they need to see in order to confirm that there is a God. They need signs and miraculous events to make their faith real. For example most televangelists promote this type of mentality. Just believe and be healed! Send us financial support and you will be blessed beyond your wildest dreams!

They are looking for a sign. Offering God tests so that they can have the facts that God does indeed exist.

I was also drawn by the way the speaker spoke. He shouted, demanding action, and used guilt to persuade the congregation of their need to get serious about their faith and be active "warriors". It must have worked because almost half of the congregation went to the front of the church for the altar call which lasted about 5 minutes. After they had prayed on the front steps in front of everyone, they returned to their seats, face towards the floor, red-eyed and crying.

It bothered me.

Is that the kind of life that brings them fulfillment? They work, sweat, and struggle all week feeling as if the world is their enemy. They then come on Sunday to receive their weekly "spiritual jolt" to get them ready for the coming week where they can repeat the whole process all over again. Sundays for them have become God's time to give them their weekly "whippin'" for actions committed and deeds that should have been done. All the while they are looking for signs that God loves them and cares for them.

The speaker even made the comment that because the congregation had attended services that each person was "due" for a blessing from God.

What the hell is that all about?

It makes me sad that some of those congregates have lived their lives that way for some 70 or 80 years. No wonder they sing and preach about heaven so much. There's a mansion waiting for me!

I have a hard time living my life and viewing God as a wish granter and an overbearing father. And I sometimes even wonder if my image of God changes to fit my needs and ideals. I personally don't want to be the type of person that uses guilt and punishment to get my way. I don't ever want someone to feel that they must bribe me for something that is within my power to accomplish. And I definitely don't want people looking for bright lights or signs that I care for them. I want them just to know that I care for them because they have experienced my love for them in ways that can't necessarily be proven but just understood. But then again I'm not God.

In regards to my faith, I don't believe that I need a sign. I have not had "a sign" in about 7 years and I think that is just because I haven't been looking for one. I know that any test that I put God through will always turn out the way I want it to because I will look for it, rationalize it, and determine that God has spoken to me. On the other hand, I have had events in my life that have been thought provoking and have caused me to do a lot of soul searching, and I believe that they have shaped me into who I am. Those events do not fall in the traditional category of "signs" but they have been important moments in my life.

The movie "Magnolia" with Tom Cruise presents an interesting question. Does everything happen by chance or is there some greater force making it happen? I don't know. I know that there is a scientific study that shows how molecules randomly travel and eventually they will find themselves smashing into something else. (I was never good in science, so I apologize.) I kind of think that people are the same way. There is so many of us all moving around going about our lives, but eventually we have to bump into someone. To me that is an encouraging thought. I like the idea that I bumped into Chad who is now my husband. I like that I bumped into my home church, several very influential pastors in my life, some incredible church people, and even a waitress job at a restaurant where I met some very different but good people. I'm not too sure that I can say that God orchestrated all of those events even before I was born. I'm not too comfortable with that. But I do know that I can have an impact on those encounters. I can make them good or bad. I like the idea that I may eventually bump into someone that might have an impact on my life that is much greater than I can imagine. Furthermore, I like the idea that I might bump into someone that needs the love and encouragement that I want so badly want to offer.

Sometimes rationalizing God in ways that are human lead us to creating a figure that is made up of all the faults that plague the human race. We are so caught up in evidence, in proof, in the tangible, and the explainable. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we shouldn't learn, continue to search, and grow, but we can't lose perspective either. Albert Einstein once said, "The worlds problems can not always be solved by those who created them."

"A Sometimes Bitter But Hopeful MDiv Student"

"In this country we believe in God (aka Christianity)! Sometimes I just wish that those who don't believe in my God would just return to where they came from!"
-Pastor in rural Florida

"Used to people used to take homosexuals out in the street and kill them. I'm not to sure that is such a bad idea."
-Pastor in rural Alabama

Did you have the same reaction that I did?
Mine was of anger, hysterics due to the ignorance, sadness, and a disbelief that people who say these things actually exist. Unfortunately these people speak "in the name of God" which leads to another group of reactions. As you can imagine, my decision to attend Divinity School (also referred to as Seminary) produces reactions from others on many various levels.

The Extremely Conservative Christian

They say: Wow, that's exciting! So God has called you into the ministry?!?

They are thinking: Observing that you are a female, I guess a master's degree is a legitimate goal, but it might go to waste once you start a family. Besides that, your husband should be your priority and seeing that he is getting his MDiv too, you might want to put your goals off to the side, especially if he is offered a pastorate position. In the meantime you might be able to be a Children's Minister or Minister of Christian Education.

Typical Southern Baptist Supporter

They say: So where are you going to school?

I respond: Candler School of Theology at Emory University

They say: I don't think that is a Baptist school, is it?

I then respond, feeling that their excitement is dwindling and the conversation is slowly going downhill: You are correct, it is not Baptist. It is affiliated with the United Methodist Church.

They think and then they say: Well, be careful. Don't let them make a liberal out of you!

Purely Academic Biblical Scholars

They say: Well, I guess that's a good school.

They are thinking: Why ministry? It is such a waste of time. The church has way too much politics. If they only knew the current findings in biblical scholarship they wouldn't waste so much time arguing ethics based on a book that was used in a very different time, for a very different culture, that references entirely different religions.

The Average Joe

They ask: So what do you hope to do with your degree? What kind of things will you study?

I respond without much careful thought: Well, the degree is supposed to prepare you for ministry in a church. Some people decide to work in non-profit organizations, but we primarily study the Bible, Christianity, History, Various Theologians, and Doctrines.

They immediately look uncomfortable and think: I hope that I haven't said anything offensive around her. You know, I had to have said a curse word or two around her. I need to somehow make her think than I am completely comfortable with the fact that she is religious.

These are just a couple of examples of typical conversations that I have had with people and all of them end with both of us feeling uncomfortable. Their image of me changes instantly.

One time while in my undergraduate program as a business student, I decided to take a business ethics class. I thought that it would be incredibly interesting, plus it was being taught by the dean of the business school. After our first assignment, I felt the extreme urge to call him and leave a voice mail about a chapter we had been assigned to read. It was about corporations and how they are unfair they are to their workers but how they cater to their shareholders. It got me thinking about the public university system and how they seem to care more about their reputation and their research more than serving their undergraduate students. (I had experienced this frustration when I attempted to register for classes around my work schedule and was told that only two sections of the class would be offered that term because all the other professors were completing their research.) My voice mail basically requested a meeting where I could speak my mind to someone who appeared to have influence over the situation. Unfortunately the meeting didn't go anywhere. Using his"suave" began to show interest in my background and goals for the future. I ended up telling him about my acceptance into the divinity program and as I have already illustrated, the labels began to stick on my forehead and I instantly knew I could not have any form of an intelligent conversation with him. Then one day in class we were discussing a heated topic on poverty and young mothers when my professor looks directly at me and says, "Melissa, what do you think? You love Jesus, don't you?!" My classmates all looked at me and I could feel the blood rushing to my face. I thought, "WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CONVERSATION!"

I have decided to accept that life will never be the same for me, especially after I receive my degree. I have been categorized with "the greats" but also the assholes of the Christian faith. My problem is that it is not seen as a personal journey, or a quest for knowledge and enrichment. It is not commendable by the general public because it will not increase my salary and it is not seen as a personal asset that will contribute to the common good. The public instantly associates me with the idiots that I quoted at the beginning of this blog. I am unapproachable, a threat, and unrealistic.

So where does that lead me? At times I find myself trouble-shooting the best way to prevent controversy or discomfort. Which I then begin to "flower it up" (based on who I am talking to) and I become phony ... I hate that!

In the words of the song by U2, I am proud to admit that I still haven't found what I am looking for. In the mean time I like to learn, explore, and make observations that often raise more questions than answers. This then leads me to the revelation that I can not escape myself even if I tried. (And I have tried before!) I find it easier to just be genuine.

On this journey I have been led to attend graduate school as a Master of Divinity student at Candler School of Theology, Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. To this others commonly respond, "So what kind of degree is that? What kinds of job do you hope to have in the future?" Unlike many of my undergraduate collegues I have NOT decided to get a MBA with hopes to increase my salary, I have instead decided to get a Divinity degree based completely on my desire to learn, expand my mind, and develop a better understanding of the Christian faith that I continually struggle to grasp. The age old quest to understand the meaning of life, a God that is much bigger than I can imagine, and a doctrine that seems to revolve more around the mystical than the practical has led me to this decision with no earthly idea of what I hope to do in the future. I just only hope that I will be able to have shelter, food, water, and enough money to pay off my student loans.

With that said, I have developed this site to explore my thoughts and feelings through writing here. I have found that my mind often moves faster than my mouth, therefore any form of verbal communication developes into rambling. I have instead found that my writings express my thoughts more clearly.