Waiting on the Third ...

I am 9 weeks pregnant. Yes, I am. Joy abounds and wonder fills my thoughts and I think how I will mother 3 children under the age of 4.

Chad and I had been discussing having another child. I found peace and direction and wanted to take the next step of finishing our family. I always wanted 3 children and I could see my life making room for one more as we minister in Ivor. This place is perfect for us and for our family as we seek to do ministry while caring for the needs of young children. I love working at the church, and Ivor allows me to do that. I am gathering experience and a greater understanding of my strengths and weaknesses. Chad comes home for lunch, we get to spend time together, and we minister together at Ivor ... regardless of whether I am officially a full-time staff member. But that isn't important to me right now. And that is the truth!

Chad and I have the long-term goal of co-pastoring one day. One that I am NOT ready for right now. I don't want to leave my children during the day - I love being with them!

This little new baby is so exciting. If I can get through this overly sick period we will be good. Chad is awesome at helping around the house. It seems like everything makes me sick. I go on Thursday to see the baby's heart beat and find out a more accurate due date. So exciting! :-)

I watched Julie & Julia last night and was reminded that I have a blog. Yes, I do.

So I visited, and once again was blown away by my writings. It was a good blown away. It's good to see how things have changed!

My concern about God's presence as I wipe butts, has all but disappeared. I do feel the occasional, "These kids are driving me crazy!" but overall, I find a lot of peace in where I am.

Surprisingly, I found the most peace from Lent, and then the Great Commission. I decided it would be great if our church embarked on a Lenten study. I chose "Forty-Days to a Closer Walk with God". It was focused on practicing centering prayer. I found prayer during those forty days.

I discovered my closet. Whenever life became too much I would enter my closet. Sit on the floor. Close the door, and allow the clothes to drape over face. And then I would speak. My voice would go right into the clothes and come right back at me. It was nice to hear myself speak my deepest worries and concerns. Most of the time it brought tears to my eyes to hear myself even say the words. I told God all the things I was feeling. Sadness. Embarrassment. Fear. All the emotionally vulnerable words that we never want to admit to anyone else. But for some reason I felt that God wanted to hear them from me.

In those moments the cheesy "God answers prayer" actually came true. As I told in honesty how I was feeling tingles would run through my body and peace would rise up within me. My tears were refreshing and cleansing, and I found new understanding. The direction that I found was often only, "Chill out Melissa. It will work out". Other times, by admitting my feelings, I gained greater understanding of others and they weren't as much of a threat or scary to me. The overwhelmingness of being a mom seemed to disappear and I realized, it wasn't that they were difficult, it was only that I wanted to maintain control in an uncontrollable situation and I was feeling inadequate.

Then came the Great Commission. I was preparing a Sunday School lesson for our kids at church. As I taught it, I began to hear the words directed at me. "Go into the world, making disciples of all nations" The lesson was to help the kids understand, that even though they are children, they have a job to do. No matter where they are, they have a job to do. They have God given gifts to use and they have no excuses. As I heard myself preach these words to the children I thought, "What is my excuse?" I thought of all the work that I do with the children at church. How I am making disciples of them. I thought of all the time I get to spend with my children and how I am able to train disciples of them. What a gift! I began to realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I have nothing to feel ashamed of.

I love my children more than I can explain. I have found peace in relishing the time that I have with them. I have reconciled the "call" that I believe God gave me with being a mother. Many would think that choosing to be a mother over a full-time ministry position is a cop-out. I have heard these conversations before. But the truth is, I am not living their life. I am living my life. As long as I can hear the voice of God speaking to me, then I am ok.

In this newfound peace, new opportunities and lessons have abounded. Things happen and I am affirmed. Life is Good.