Just found my blog again.  It's only been 4 years.

I graduated from Candler with my MDiv a year ago.

Two babies later and a move to Virginia, and here I am!

As it has been and always will be, I am in deep thought about my current circumstances.  I am not longer a MDiv student contemplating the divine, but I am ministering to the people of Ivor in between diaper changes, preparing food, cleaning, and (still) trying to keep my mouth shut when it matters.

I enjoyed reading my earlier posts. How I long for the old days!

As with us all, when we are in the midst of life and our current circumstances, it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  

I try to savor my daughters and their "special" age, but the frustrations get old and I long for a different form of engagement.  I am certain that I am not alone.  So between texting my best friend in Ivor (who is also a mom) I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone.

God seems distant.  Only because it is difficult for me to know that God is with me.  For one thing, I have no time to even think about God.  Secondly, I still struggle with God as no more than an old bearded man (so much for my $30,000+ education) who never physically took care of a 11 month old and 2 year old at the same time all by God's self - how can he know what I am going through?

Has God ever had to grocery shop with the two terrors?  One climbing out of the cart seat while the other stands in the cart basket (which is a big no-no according to the directions on the cart!).  Has God ever had to make dinner with a baby clawing and attempting to climb up God's leg while cooking with hot grease?  I don't think so.

The tasks are so basic, yet they are frustrating and scary and difficult and stressful and overwhelming!  And because they are so basic, I can't even imagine God being there, or even caring.

I know that God must care more about racial injustice, poverty, world wars, ... you know the big stuff ... not changing diapers.

So I feel alone.

Not that I need God so I can change a diaper - but at least I could feel as if I weren't alone.  That the person that I am, and used to be, still exists.  Even if I give all that I am to my girls, there is still something left because God is there reassuring me that I am still me.  Just a more well-rounded me (in more ways than one)!

Maybe that's the beauty of God.  God is there. In it all.  Even in the basic.

I have to believe it, even if only occasionally.